Category Archives: Humor
More winter
I don’t know about you all, but I am glad this little bugger is foreseeing more winter for us. I am a Phoenix native. I grew up in Florida on the Redneck Riviera. I have only experienced two real winters in my entire life. My first winter was the blizzard of 94 in Philadelphia, PA. It started the night I was driving to my first permanent duty station in the U.S. Navy to serve aboard the USS John F. Kennedy. I walked to the ship in my dress blues with snow halfway up my shin. Just a few days prior to this, I slipped on ice and bit through my bottom lip and cracked a tooth.
I hate winter.
I really, really, really hate winter.
So why do I want more? Because I live in Phoenix. Because it has been mid-70s for the past month in the day and only mid-40s at night. This is nice, I know. And in all actuality, if it was like this all the time I wouldn’t complain. But I miss those few really good days of biting cold in the 30s at night and 50s during the day. It makes me ready for the summer—when nights are at a low in the 90s and it’s 110 or higher in the day. I need those few cold days to mentally prepare for the heat, and the inevitable day that my AC will go out and I’m sitting in front of a fan wearing a wet t-shirt to stay cool while I wait for the repairman and my family is having ice cream at the mall… smiling and laughing about me being miserable at home.
All that just to say a simple thank you to Punxsutawney Phil. You’re my favorite rodent.
The Hanukkah Dilemma
My garbage disposal/sink doesn’t handle potato peels all that well. Maybe this is something most latke aficionados have learned themselves, or from someone else. However, I rarely do the cooking and have never helped before this year with latke preparation, and I was not expecting this dilemma at all.
A Starbucks survey
If you know me, and you see that I have an opportunity to fill out an online survey, you really shouldn’t ask me to do it. Read the rest of this entry
The pentagon’s overpriced toys
Marines can't go a single day without making a dick joke.
I read this article on Wired’s website this morning, Pentagon’s Lightning Gun Sold for Scraps on eBay. In short, it’s a hack job of consumer parts consisting of a wifi router, some fancy buttons, and robotics controllers that are supposed to pass as an industrial grade, military ready, electricity-making, anti-IED explosive device. In reality, it’s an overpriced toy that’s about as safe as sticking your hand in a garbage disposal while a bunch of unruly children play in the nearby vicinity—you may be fine now, but you can bet your candyass that you’ll be kissing those digits goodbye in no time.
This got me thinking that not only am I in the wrong business, but what if Apple were to start making warfare electronics and other war machines? Read the rest of this entry
Mr. Nigel the fretting tabby
(Read in British accent for proper effect)
Dear Sir or Madam,
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter of utmost importance to myself, my client, and my tabby cat Mr. Nigel. Read the rest of this entry
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My time in the Serengeti
This reminds me of my time in the Serengeti… but that’s a beautiful, tragic, and heartfelt story too intense for this website. Perhaps one day we’ll all sit down for dinner and drinks and I’ll tell you the tale of how I won the affections of a wild lionness and the romance that could never be.
It all happened by chance. When I first saw her wild, hungry eyes, she was tracking me from afar. I noticed her in a moment of her carelessness when her tail popped up momentarily above the tall grass. I too was on the hunt, but not for love. Nay, it was for the tender meat of the gazelle. A truly amazing beast I might add, with meat so tender and sweet that if you let it soak in a stew for 36 hours it will make all the meals for the rest of your life pale in comparison.
That’s it for now. Next time we get together I’ll tell you how I narrowly escaped the lioness’ fearsome death clutch and instead slayed her heart.
The skyscraper in the background of Peter Griffin’s home
I started watching Family Guy when I had my shoulder surgery. I started on season 1 and I haven’t looked back. Except for the episode 100 where they reviewed all the best of the old episodes, but really it was 102 if you look at the count on Netflix. Unless Netflix people can’t count and screwed it up somewhere, but I digress.
Anyway, you know what stands out the most as I’ve gone through 7 seasons of the Family Guy? The building that you see in the background of their house. Read the rest of this entry
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On the Afterlife
After reading my friend Jerry Ford’s thoughts on the thoughts of physicist Stephen Hawking’s regarding the afterlife, I was compelled to reply. I feel this post is best served writing from the Jewish side of me, after all, this is on the afterlife. But don’t worry, I’m not going to get too biblical. I’ll speak mostly from experience. Please chime in on the comments with whatever you’d like to add. Read the rest of this entry
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Feminine side not included
Some time ago I was talking with a woman at work. I do not remember what we were discussing other than something I had said provoked the following response, “Awwww, Philo. You’re getting in touch with your feminine side.”
This idea ran quickly through my mind in much the same way a bug’s ass goes through its mind when hitting a windshield, Read the rest of this entry
